A short, sharp shock by Edward Teague

13 July 2004 — The New Dark Age

T[ony] B[lair] is suffering from what we doctors called a blue funk. This is a common condition in ex-public schoolboys which arises when the patient exhibits the desire to please all who they meet, (on a random basis, as say, in the nearest bus queue, hall full of schoolchildren, mothers, wives of WTC victims, etc.,) and will listen. Naturally this condition results in a certain linguistic difficulties, such as suggesting black is white, or conversely white is black or maybe dark grey, or even at a stretch a sort of purply mauvy colour. This results in a slightly unclear and often unique view of the world, that the world seems increasingly incapable of sharing. These, what we doctors call dystopic visions, are not uncommon in 50 year old Prime Ministers who keep ditching their supporters and close friends in a seemingly relentless pursuit of what they regard and we doctors describe as divine power and Messianic leadership.

The patient may decide for example to “out” a (randomly selected) civil servant who later is found randomly dead and the patient may lose the facility for short term memory, including chairing committees, what they said, what anybody said, etc.

Following this the patient may agree with any randomly selected French, German, statesman, national leaders, that the EU will have it’s own defence force, headquarters, staff, role etc, outside NATO. When his friend, a randomly selected US president, says something to the effect of ,”What the fuck is going on ? Are you trying to destroy NATO and US influence in Europe?” this may be accompanied by dramatic visions of a grabbing of the lapels and an elevation of the feet as a face is pushed (seemingly) into the patient’s. As the face looms large so may –what we doctors call – the problems.

This may, in certain circumstances produce mild heart palpitations, sweating and discolouration of the shirt and involuntary verbalizing, such as…”you don’t understand, Lord Hutton, George, I mean, Clare you have got it wrong Michael, GM food….Robin the evidence was there….Clare..bastard Gilligan…..Robin…why are you smiling that impish grin…and rubbing your calloused hands…Clare….Aaaaaargh…..Estelle forgive me…Stephen I didn’t really want you to go….Peter help me…..the Health Service… Alan why did you resign …the Health Service…quick get me to it….Alistair……Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh”

We doctors usually recommend a very long period of rest. Close friends and advisers do however usually re-inforce this suggestion and very quickly help the patient to take up a less demanding life style, such as lazing on a beach owned by a friend or Tuscan villa, French chateau in the Dordogne, or a simple Bermudan ranch style hacienda with several swimming pools, tennis courts and so on.

The patient often finds it therapeutic, (and quite profitable, in many ways) to commit to paper their memories explaining their actions, this we doctors call, blackmailing the bastards (or as Consultants call it discounting the blame) and concealing where exactly the bodies (metaphorically of course, except in the case of Dr Kelly) have been buried.

This is called establishing their place in History. Anthony Eden called his memoirs FULL CIRCLE, we have heard it said that Tony’s will be called CHARMED CIRCLE.

We doctors do see indications of a swift return to “normality” when the Evening Standard (a London Evening newspaper) has headlines such as “Gordon changes nappies for office in Number 10”. Or in the Sun, “Gordon swaps no 2’s for No 10”. Asked to comment, dour Scotsman, Mr Brown said, of nappy changing, “after all the shit I’ve taken all these years the role seems quite natural”.

As a Doctor writes,”predictably this health scare will be short lived and we can return to normality, i.e increased waiting lists for hip operations, choked waiting rooms in GP’s, more nurses stolen from 3rd world countries, increased deficits, larger consultants car parks, more people dying from contagious diseases obtained by staying in hospitals. However, the schedule for abortions remains well on target with over 200,000 per annum performed on time which represents 22% of all live births – in it’s way an endorsement of the success of the National Health Service, which is free at the point of delivery, unless you need an eyetest, dental check, prescription drugs, chiropody, surgical footwear etc, or in the very unlikely event that you seek private health treatment.


At the gym this am. I had a chat with Dr **** an acquaintance who is a consultant anaesthesiologist at **** Hospital. Apparently we all suffer some arythmia, often when we exercise, the most likely cause in a 50 year old man is energetic…er…what we…er…doctors call…er the sexual act…especially in the morning when the heart has not fully compensated from the sleep cycle to what we doctors call the working day.

Probably explains the problems I have at the gym when I see Beyonce on MTV at 6.30 am.

Unrelated, or as TB would randomly say, closely related, was the sight this a.m. can you fucking believe it, of dwarves wrestling on WWF? I kid you not. Pal. Perhaps we could sign them up for the embryonic EU Defence Force which is bound to grow…

Yours from the Dark Side of the Moon

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